Good Writing Day

8 pages in three hours! Yipee!

I'll be finished with this chapter by Friday!! It's my first "real" chapter outside of the introduction which feels good, damn good.

The Gospel Truth

Who says an agnostic can't sing gospel?

Last night Josh and I went to hear Susan Werner at the Lancaster Coffee House (that's for another post). He had heard her on WNCW and thought I'd like her too. I did!!

The Gospel Truth is her latest project that confronts the hypocrisy of the Church with a wonderfully rich bluegrass, gospel sound. Although she describes herself as a self-avowed "evangelical agnostic" her songs could (and probably ought to) be sung in churches all over. Werner blends just the right amount of honesty and camp to do the "christian right" right.

I particularly liked "Heaven So Small,"

well i know you'd damn me if you could
but my friend, that's simply not your call
if god is great and god is good
why is your heaven so small

Both Josh and I howled at "Probably Not,"

Is there a god above?
Is there eternal love?
Probably not
Probably not
Is there a home up in the sky?
Will we be there by and by?
Probably not
Probably not

Besides finding a new artist we like, we also discovered the fun of hearing local, live music. We just might have a new Friday night activity!

Who Knew I Was So Accomplished?

Who knew I already had a PhD? According to inside internet sources I already have a doctorate in developmental psychology. While I did co-write the article, I did so without even a bachelor's degree at the time. This was my senior thesis.

What am I doing writing this dissertation!?!?

NOTE: The page count is now up to 122 pages...

Paranoia

I recently installed Site Meter on my church blog. I mostly did it because I wanted to make sure that it was worth my effort of posting. I post so irregularly as it is. I thought that if I could see how much use it was getting it might motivate me to make better use of that space for the ministry.

There was, however, another reason to add Site Meter. As an "edgy" ministry we get a lot of trollers to our site who are just looking for something inflammatory to rant about on their own sites. (Google my name if you are interested in seeing some fine examples...) I like to keep a heads up to know what I may or may not have to deal with in the future. You know the old adage about keeping friends close and enemies closer, blah, blah, blah.

So, I installed it today and after checking it just twice have become incredibly paranoid. I am overwhelmed at the amount of information I am privy to through this site. Not only can I find out who has visited my site, but how they found out about it and how long they read. Who are these people and why are they reading my blog? I knew at once what it must feel like to suffer from paranoia.

Overwhelmed with the plethora of personal data I received I suddenly realized that that same information is out there about me....what sites I visit, how long I stay there, what I read...Scary!

In searching through the visits today I discovered a parishioner who links to me and was quite horrified to have access to their personal journal. This crosses all sorts of ethical boundaries! YIKES! Not to mention that they talk about me and the church....that's a pastor's worst nightmare...reading reports from the pews! I suppose I could consider it helpful to my ministry but I am just terrified I'll read something awful...like "Gee, my pastor sure sucks!" or "What the %$&# was she thinking preaching a sermon like that?"

Some things you just don't want to know.

Ask and You Shall Receive

Despite the fact that I am the place where technology goes to die, I have been lusting after a Blackberry for quite some time.

You see my problem is that I am a complete Myers Briggs P. This means I am an absolute disaster when it comes to organizing myself and my life. My idea of organizing involves little scraps of paper with half-jotted notes strewn across my desk, stuffed in my multiple bags and/or placed randomly throughout the house. Sometimes the sorry notes get left to die in the car, office or coat pocket. Not a day goes by that I don't gasp in horror at the realization I have forgotten something. Most times this is an early warning stress system that reminds me to look for the scrap with said date and time on it. But sometimes, and trust me this is the worst, sometimes the gasp is accompanied with the frustrated "!?*$" as I discover I have doublebooked, missed a deadline, forgotten an appointment or spaced on a lunch date.

If I had a Blackberry my life would be instantly better...right? I once tried a Palm Pilot and an HP handheld, but the problem was if I wasn't breaking it, I was forgetting to keep it with me. But, the sweet, sweet Blackberry solves all of that. Since it doubles as my phone, I have a much less chance of forgetting it and if I misplace it, all I have to do is call!! As for the breakage, I can get an insurance policy!!

For months I lusted and for months Josh warned me of the inevitable disaster of wasting $300 on a broken/lost/destroyed piece of technology I would never really understand how to operate. He was right. I could not justify a $300 wash.

But today, the gods smiled upon me and led me to a free, yes you read right, free Blackberry on my carrier!! I was so excited I called Josh with the news. His reply was a wry laugh as he envisioned me fumbling about with this new-fangled phone. I filled out all the information, put in the entirety of my life history and personal identity, gave over the keys to my finances and was just about to sign when I realized I had to sign a two year contract! Two years!! I only wanted a new line for one year while I am doing organizing work!

I sighed, almost defeated....suddenly I wondered if maybe, just possibly, I could ask. It seemed simple though most likely not to work...but what the hell. I'll ask. In Nicaragua I learned that there is really never a firm "no." You just have to keep talking and eventually you can wear the person down...or at least in Nicargua you can.

So I called my provider and laid out my case. I needed the Blacberry. I mean I really needed it. The problem was I could not afford a two year contract. He could understand, right? Work comes and goes, life is unceratin, who knows what will happen tomorrow let alone in two years. I gave it my best drama-queen try..."Please sir, could I have a free Blackberry?"

And then, to my great surprise, he said, "Sure. I can do that for you."

"Wait, no strings attached? I don't have to sign my life away or promise to buy bad magazines or overpriced cds or apply for a mortgage I don't want? You are just going to give it to me for the price of adding one line to my plan?"

"Yes, ma'am"

I could hardly believe my ears! This was too good to be true...but it is! Not only does my new Blackberry arrive this week but I am well within, if not below, the budget for the work phone I planned to get anyway!!!

Now all I have to do is learn to use it!!

Birthday Surprise

After telling Josh for months I didn't want to celebrate my birthday, I changed my mind...yesterday. Even though I don't want a party I realized I needed a cake, a special dinner, flowers and a card to make it seem like it is really my birthday. After all, I have to spend half my birthday with the bishop and tomorrow I start back to the insanity schedule posted below.

I'm off to my meeting and Josh is off to plan an impromptu birthday surprise. My instructions are to wait for a text message with directions.

I'm glad we are celebrating after all.

NOTE: Any suggestions can be emailed to Josh. He may appreciate some since this is so last minute.

UPDATE: We went to Ginza for dinner last night, the restaurant where we had our first "date." (There was some confusion about whether or not it was a date at the time.) Afterwards we came home to yummy cake from Lyndell's. It was a fabulous birthday!

Let the Insanity Begin

Today starts a two week period of insane travelling and conferences. I leave this afternoon for a Reconciling Clergy meeting in DC which I am convening, followed by a three day celebratory conference for Methodist Federation for Social Action where I have to network to find 300 plus volunteers for trainings I will lead this summer. I return Sunday afternoon and head straight to church. The following week I have a meeting with my DS, a "retreat" with my bishop, a two day queer theology conference and a board meeting in Chicago. The insanity ends on Sunday when I fly back to Boston to lead worship in the evening.

Phew!

Wish me luck!

PS Oh, and not to mention, I inaugurate my "jesus year/crucifixion year" as I celebrate my 33rd birthday in the midst of all this work!

YouTube

Turns out I am on YouTube...go figure. This is from the Palm Sunday parade last week. I viewed it on my crappy, old computer without sound, so I have no idea if there is narration.

My job was to pray for "the city" using a list of topics. This was complicated by the fact that I did not have access to said list and I kept being interrupted by a police officer who was concerned about illegally parked cars. His constant whispering drowned out the other clergy making it impossible for me to know for what they had prayed. It was a leap of faith each time I spoke, hoping that I was just not repeating what someone else said. As the prayers wore on I was running out of ideas so I prayed for the gays, like I always do...how was I to know that a deal had been struck with the Baptists that we would not mention the "homosexuals?" Oops!

101

101 pages and counting and an Easter sermon to boot...

He's Not That Into You

An Open Letter to 11 Year Old Girls Everywhere:

My dear little ones, I want to introduce you to a new word...HOMOSEXUAL. A homosexual is someone who is attracted to members of the same gender identity. For example, a boy homosexual likes boys and a girl homosexual likes girls. Now trust me, there is nothing wrong with being homosexual. In fact, throughout history many important and famous people have themselves been part of this prestigious club.

The problem comes when well-meaning, sweet innocent things, perhaps not unlike yourselves, do not recognize the signs of homosexuality and are led into deep, passionate adolescent crushes that cause them to do silly, yet devastatingly dangerous things. It is easy to do, trust me. As a young girl growing up in the 70's (yes, that very long ago, dark age of disco), I too fell prey to the closeted homosexual and found myself madly in love with a star who would never return my affections. How was I to have known the man that wrote the songs to make this young girl cry first played them in a San Francisco bath house with the Divine Miss M.? Sad, but true, I had to accept the fact that I would never be his Man-dy.

So, please, for the love of God, stop voting for your favorite teenage idol. I know this may come as a shock to you, but someone has to break the news to you. It is high time you accept the fact that your number one singing sensation (and I mean that facetiously) is a homosexual. Don't be too upset. Being gay is okay. Celebrate his sexuality. Throw him a coming out party. Try to fix him up with that shy boy in your class...but whatever you do, please, please do not vote for him any longer.

The fact is, ladies, he is not that into you!

91 pages

91 pages and counting...

I will finish my dissertation. I will finish my dissertation. I will finish my dissertation.

Thank You, Jesus!

This Palm Sunday, in the midst of feeling pathetic and full of self-pity, I received the best compliment ever from a stranger.

The new church where CWM meets has a tradition of gathering with the other neighborhood churches for Palm Sunday. Together they parade into the town square led by a donkey borrowed from the Heifer Project (a la Jesus entering Jerusalem) and pray for the city. This was my first year participating and I was slightly nervous about the tone of the whole shindig. I was feeling particular pus-y (read like oozing with pus...no, it's not missing another "s") because I showed up way overly dressed for the occasion with my black suit, clerical collar and purple stole. Despite the instructions I had received from others, all the clergy (except for me) showed up in normal street garb...no collar, no stole, no nothing. I stuck out like a sore thumb!

After the service ended I was standing around waiting like magnet for press and for those who had no idea women could be clergy. In Boston, whenever I wear my collar I inevitably get comments from shocked bystanders who never cease to be amazed that I could be both female and clergy. (Though, there are some who can't put those two together and end up referring to me as "Father." No kidding.) As I waited for the questions, a really well-dressed, well-put-together, attractive, cool woman came up and grabbed my arm saying, "It is so good to see another foxy pastor woman!"

Foxy pastor woman! Excellent!

It turns out she too is clergy serving a local non-profit in the area. We laughed and lamented together about the sad, sorry state of clergywomen's fashion. I may have blogged about this in the past, but in general, when women become clergy there is some irrational, insane impulse that drives them to dress in one of two ways:

1. Androgynously Asexual: Imagine bland, polyester suits, sensible shoes like your father wore circa 1965, short hair, and a gain of at least 50 pounds if not more to hide any feminine curves that might appear.
   
2. Sickingly "Sweet": Imagine sweaters with kittens playing with a ball of yarn that dangles from the front or amorphous denim jumpers adorned only with some tacky, over the top dreamcatcher with feathers and beads (meant for one's home, not one's chest). Again, the weight gain, bad hair and plain shoes are requisite to the uniform.

Either type is known by the term "frumpy pastor woman." God help the woman who looks like a woman in the pulpit!! The Church's inability to deal with sexuality has led to this masking of women's bodies and very beings. You can't be both sexual (and of course, according to the Church, to be woman is to be inherently sexual) and a pastor (despite the fact that male pastors showcase their wives and children on a regular basis in local congregations...no sex involved there!).

There is nothing that pisses me off more than when women allow themselves to be co-opted by the patriarchy of the ecclesial institution to hide their bodies and sexuality. Before I became clergy I dressed, well, like someone who might appear on What Not To Wear or Extreme Makeover. It was only my utter hatred (and really, hatred is not too strong a word) of the frumpy (non)woman that compelled me to dress better. It is my goal in life never to succumb to the asexual image of so many of my colleagues. So, you can imagine how refreshing and exciting it was to hear someone affirm my ability to rise above the frumpiness fray and be classified as "foxy!"

Foxy, indeed!

NOTE: I am not alone in my quest for clerical style. Rev. Victoria Weinstein maintains a blog for her fashion-challenged colleagues over at Peacebang's Beauty Tips for Ministers.