He's Not That Into You

An Open Letter to 11 Year Old Girls Everywhere:

My dear little ones, I want to introduce you to a new word...HOMOSEXUAL. A homosexual is someone who is attracted to members of the same gender identity. For example, a boy homosexual likes boys and a girl homosexual likes girls. Now trust me, there is nothing wrong with being homosexual. In fact, throughout history many important and famous people have themselves been part of this prestigious club.

The problem comes when well-meaning, sweet innocent things, perhaps not unlike yourselves, do not recognize the signs of homosexuality and are led into deep, passionate adolescent crushes that cause them to do silly, yet devastatingly dangerous things. It is easy to do, trust me. As a young girl growing up in the 70's (yes, that very long ago, dark age of disco), I too fell prey to the closeted homosexual and found myself madly in love with a star who would never return my affections. How was I to have known the man that wrote the songs to make this young girl cry first played them in a San Francisco bath house with the Divine Miss M.? Sad, but true, I had to accept the fact that I would never be his Man-dy.

So, please, for the love of God, stop voting for your favorite teenage idol. I know this may come as a shock to you, but someone has to break the news to you. It is high time you accept the fact that your number one singing sensation (and I mean that facetiously) is a homosexual. Don't be too upset. Being gay is okay. Celebrate his sexuality. Throw him a coming out party. Try to fix him up with that shy boy in your class...but whatever you do, please, please do not vote for him any longer.

The fact is, ladies, he is not that into you!